I am lying on my bed with a stomachache. Normally I would write this
kind of thing in my journal, but that would require me not to lie on my
back with my eyes closed.
I am stressed and I have a lot to do, but I have decided that it is okay
for me to lie here for a while until I don't see the world in roiling
waves of green nausea. I think that is one of the marks of being an
adult: having to assess whether or not you can afford to ignore your
work for a bit. When you're a kid, you can ignore your work all day
every day and not think twice about it. No guilt. No stress. That's why
there are grown-ups: to make you do your work.
But now I'm a little bit of a grown-up. I have to buy my own paper
towels and toothpaste and chocolate milk. I have to get out of bed and
wash my dishes and turn my light off at a decent hour. I have to wear
clothes that fit the occasion and compose emails professionally and
dedicate enough time to my homework.
{But I'm still in college, living on campus, so there's a lot of adultism that I haven't had to deal with yet. I'm pretty glad.}
Blugh. I just want someone to hand me peppermint tea and make me smile
and help me see that the 70+ pages of political ethics and United
Nations reading isn't actually going to kill me. I want someone to tell
me that they liked my pigtails today and that having a tiny gold Batman
ring is pretty much the coolest thing they've ever seen. I want to sit
close to someone around whom I don't have to hold my stomach in or keep
my shoulders back or try to look pleasant.
I sort of want to come apart real quick, but not in a helpless,
emotional way. I just want to unstitch myself, come apart at the seams,
and spill out all the stuff inside my heart and mind. I want someone to
listen to me mumble aloud my chaotically elegant train of thought and
not judge me based on conversational relevance or profundity.
Hmm. I'm starting to feel better--somewhat unfortunately. I can no
longer justify lying here on my back with my eyes closed. I guess I have
to go do my work now.
Alas, I am a little bit of a grown-up.
~Stephanie
